I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what it means to be a good person and a good friend. For a long time, I believed that the mark of a good person was the number of friends she had. A person’s ability to “get along with everyone” meant she was a good person. This mindset never seemed like a bad thing to me until recently. I’m realizing now that I’ve spent the majority of my life scrutinizing all of my decisions based on what other people would think of them.
For a variety of reasons, I’ve grown into someone who is insecure and unsure of herself. It was probably sometime in college that I developed a habit of picking one person who I believed to be a really good person so I could model my decision making process on theirs. Doing this put that person on a pedestal and it made me need that person’s approval. When I didn’t get it, it was extremely upsetting to me.
These days, I’m trying to reframe my thinking. I want to focus on my relationships with people who accept me for who I am, so I don’t feel the constant need for approval and the nagging doubt that I’ve done the wrong thing that goes along with that. I am trying to be more confident in my thoughts and my own judgments, without needing to “check in” with other people to confirm that I’m making the right decisions.
It’s tough to change the way you live your life, but as always, things are a work in progress…